Apples and Bananas

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Today’s Number

1262 — the number of your pens that have gone missing.

Technology

Apple, the fancy-pants consumer technology company, is planning a major redesign of its flagship iPhone in 2025.

According to sweatshop insiders, the upcoming device is expected to be the thinnest iPhone ever.

However, in an era where body positivity is gaining momentum, this move has sparked a surprising backlash.

“Who wants a thinner phone?”, asks Ashley Graham, the famous model, known for championing ‘plus-size’ body shapes.

“I want a phone that can store everything I consume online, which, by the way, is a fuck-ton.”

While Apple’s quest for the thinnest phone might seem like a technological triumph, many consumers share Graham’s opinion.

Market researcher, Kerry Knobalot, believes the desire for ultra-thin devices has diminished, with a growing preference for thicker phones.

“You need to understand that the Emilys and Joshuas of the world now want those old brick phones from the 80s. Don’t ask me why though, I get all of this shit off of Reddit.”

Old-timey rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot agrees. “I like my phones like I like my butts: big. And by the way, I would never lie about that.”

This potential miscalculation comes hot on the heels of another recent gaffe by Apple.

The company had to apologize for an iPad Pro advert that many felt celebrated the destruction of human creativity and art.

“If Mr Beast was available this would never have happened,” claimed Apple boss Tim Cook.

Instead of taking responsibility for the misguided campaign, the CEO instead blamed the director of the ad, Francis Ford Coppola.

“Absolute tool, that one,” added Cook.

Apple fans should expect the release of the thinner iPhones early 2025 for a special promotional price of $14,795 dollars a piece.

World

Iran's President Ebrahim Raisi has died in a helicopter crash.

Early reports suggest the pilot of the helicopter obtained his license from the same school as the dipshit who was flying Kobe Bryant when his chopper went down: Henry’s Helicopter Academy.

Henry Belafonte, son of singer and actor Harry Belafonte, and owner of Henry's Helicopter Academy, was unflinching in his response to the accusations that his school was the reason for both crashes.

"Teaching helicopters online is better than in-person because of the cost savings I pass on to my students,” said Belafonte.

“I always beat my competition on cost, just like Costco does with their hotdogs.”

Henry originally began his teaching career by instructing students on how to ride banana boats after his father dropped club-banger, "Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)."

“The banana boat game was good for a while but after it died off I decided to go into choppers when Ray Keith put out that Jungle tune.”

But cost effective education lies at the heart of Belafonte’s value proposition.

“What's the point of in-person training when you’ve got Google?" Belafonte added, "I plan to carry on teaching the helicopter on my Facebook group for the foreseeable future."

An Interpol warrant has been issued for Belafonte's arrest.

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