🥸 Awkward Investments

Wagwaan, pillow butt?

I hope your week has been a productive one, and that all of your wildest dreams came true.

Please enjoy this week’s email.

BUSINESS

Awkward Investments

Inspired by the success of tech founders like Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Bill Gates, Spectrum Partners has launched a venture fund that invests in startups where at least one founding member is on the spectrum.

"We're championing the socially awkward," says Giorgio Patel, an investor at Spectrum Partners.

“When I walk into a networking event, I zero in on the person who looks the most wooden, because that's where the money is."

Meanwhile, Stanford graduates recently discovered that staring at investors without blinking would increase the chances of getting financial backing.

Along with choosing stupid company names like Evictionly or DooDoo, new founders have been seen pitching their business ideas in the style of Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.

"Never go full retard," advises Peter Thiel, a billionaire who actively supports the benefits of neurodiversity in business.

Thiel explains that the search for the next tech unicorn doesn't end with Aspergers, and is actively looking for the next condition that gives him an edge over the competition.  

"My mate Carl Icahn credits much of his success to gonorrhea, so we’re actively looking into STDs now.”

SPORT

Layoffs at the Euros

Several Euro Cup camera operators have been fired for not focussing enough on attractive female supporters during games.

"They had to go," said UEFA spokesperson, Vannie Syrup.

"Camera operators have a quota to zoom in on at least 12 sets of boobies per football match which is especially important for boring games with shitter teams."

Brian Cack is one of the camera operators who was laid off.

“At first they asked for bosoms. Now they want butts, but how do you find butts when everyone’s facing the right way? I blame Kim Kardashian.”

But Vannie Syrup confirmed audience figures are higher if a nation has attractive fans.

“We need to ensure an entertaining viewer experience regardless of the quality of a game, so we’re gonna stick with hooters until these players learn how to be more interesting.”

ASK MLD

Quickfire Round

Dear Man Like Deep,

How do you pour milk out of this without it going everywhere?  Regards, Carol

Hello Carol,

You can't. Take it back for a refund and don't drink milk again. You twerp.

Dear Man Like Deep,

Is it racist to eat watermelon with chopsticks? Thanks, Adolf

Dearest Adolf,

Eating watermelon with chopsticks isn't racist, but somehow your question is. So yes, let’s go with racist. Thanks. 

Dear Man Like Deep,

Can I give an edible to a local crow? Duke

Hi Duke,

No. 

Alright then yes. Fuck off.

“VIBES”

Will Smith’s Daughter Gets Jiggy Wit It

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Have a good week. Try not to put your foot in it, but if you do, ensure you’re wearing socks.

Deep