💡 Blursed Marketing Ideas

This Weeks Number

8—the length in feet of the world’s longest dong. "Dong Boy," as the body was later known, was believed to be 243,000 years old, and was discovered by archaeologists beneath an iPhone factory in Zhengzhou.

Marketing Strategy

A South Korean noodle company had their spicy noodles banned from store shelves across Denmark last week.

While most retail analysts consider this to be bad news, only the smartest marketers know that nothing stokes demand quite like the appeal of the forbidden.

All of a sudden the entire planet was desperate to try the noodles, proving that sometimes, the best way to sell a product is to get it banned.

Many will fondly remember NWA's debut album, ‘Straight Outta Compton’. Destined for underground success in the '90s, the album broke mainstream charts as soon as well-intentioned bureaucrats decided it wasn't for the kids.

Another win for the shunned.

As an expert marketing genius myself, I thought I'd suggest 3 other product ideas that could benefit from a strategic 'ban' to drive consumer demand.

1. All-Day Minty Arse

How about Colgate partnering with OnlyFans influencers to suggest that applying toothpaste rectally enhances sexual virility, and also leaves you with "a minty arse." Like there's a permanent cool breeze up your arsehole at all times.

• Chance of being banned: 79%

• Marketing score: 8/10

2. Instant Whiter Teeth

What if Bic's White-Out tape had some TikTok types with bad teeth use it to hide their vape stains? This would do well in the UK because we are known to prioritize attractive teeth over anything else.

• Chance of being banned: 87%

• Marketing score: 7/10

3. Crayon Conversion Therapy Smoothies

Imagine if adding Crayola crayons into smoothies “takes the gay away” from your suspiciously happy kids. Bound to get some traction.

• Change of being banned: 100%

• Marketing score: 9/10

1000 True Fans

There’s an idea popularized by Kevin Kelly that if you manage to amass 1000 true fans of your creative work, you can live off it.

So 1000 fans of your art, and you're good. 1000 fans of your music? Send ‘em your 2 weeks notice.

But what happens when your fans would rather you do something other than your true passion?

This happened to Barry Capital, a ‘darts influencer.’

Originally building a following on MySpace with Bluegrass covers of Bach, a single picture of Capital playing darts in a pub got more likes than anything else he’d ever done.

Turns out the kind of people who like Bluegrass Bach actually love darts.

The problem is Barry Capital hates the game.

Capital has been forced to hire a stand-in for social posts in the hopes his true fans don’t realize that, (1) he doesn’t like the game, and (2) he’s shit at it.

Barry Capital is stuck between a Rock and a Triple H.

"These fans actually pay me. I can’t go back to my old job presenting PowerPoint decks to c-suite wank magnets, no way. But I feel like darts is my job now and I don’t know how to stop this lie. I feel like the Bernie Madoff of darts."

Ask MLD

Dear Man Like Deep,

I've been reading your newsletter for a while now and thought you might be the right person to help me out.

I'm a 42-year-old dude. I like to think of myself as a bit of a lone wolf. I work out, take care of myself, and enjoy life.

I've never married but that's because the chicks can't handle my energy. Their loss!

A lot of people know me as the guy with the cool bandanas. I always rock the coolest bandanas with my Oakleys.

Anyway, one of my favorite things to do is head down to the beach with my Bluetooth speaker and blast my favorite local radio station, Virgin Radio 94.5.

Not because I'm a virgin or anything. It's a great station. They play everything that's new and happening right now.

I'm sure everyone enjoys hearing the latest sounds and I honestly thought it would help me connect with people, maybe even meet that special chick, but instead, everyone just seems to look at me in disgust.

What's up with that?

I don't get it. The music is good, I know I look great, and I thought it would show people that I'm fun and approachable guy.

Why am I not getting the respect or attention I deserve?

Thanks in advance,

Dick Yoghurt

Dear Dick,

Thank you for your letter.

I love the fact that you're getting out there and crushing it at the beach. And I'm sure everyone appreciates the lengths you take to create your unique look, with bandana and all.

What I don’t love, however, is your method of getting extra attention by playing your favorite radio station, loudly.

Stop for a moment and put yourself into the flip-flops of your average sun tanner. Slip into the thong of your average swimmer trying their level best to complete one breath stroke. Squeeze into the budgie smugglers of your average grandad trying his hardest to enjoy a simple gelato in the sand.

Dick, you flippin’ prick.

No one wants to catch a suntan to the soundtrack of Machine Gun Kelly Clarkson. Not a single person wants to swim to the latest Post-It Note Malone tune. And there is zero chance grand dad appreciates the latest Anna Kendrick Lamar diss-track, mid-lick.

That’s just not how the world works, Dick head.

I bet you leave the radio on at full volume when the adverts come on as well innit?

You're a laughing stock mate, and everyone wants to see you dead.

I'd like to see you dead if I’m honest.

Here's what to do: throw your speaker in the sea. Lose the bandana as well, also in the sea. And then chuck yourself in the sea.

Best regards,

Deep