Dusty Ass Debates

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Today’s Number

3 — the average number of days spent trying to find something to watch on Netflix.

Europe

In a move that has left both the political and music worlds befuddled, rapper 50 Cent has been sent on a diplomatic mission to Slovakia.

His goal is to support and consult with Prime Minister Robert Fico who was shot in an assassination attempt earlier this week.

Arriving at the hospital, 50 Cent, who himself survived a shooting, addressed a crowd of international journalists.

"What Fico needs to do right now is release a muthafuckin’ mixtape," he announced.

“Trust me, I been through this shit.”

"In terms of hype, man, Fico is at an all-time high right now. This is the time to rhyme about life on the streets of Slovakia, and clean the fuck-up."

50 Cent's advice didn't stop there. He also hinted at retaliating against those responsible.

"If I were Fico, I'd find whoever did this and kill em’ with a follow-up diss track. We might even have to fly in Kendrick for this bitch.”

The Slovakian embassy in Washington issued a statement thanking 50 Cent for his efforts with one request: “Can we get Metro Boomin on production?”

Politics

President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump have agreed to participate in two campaign debates this year.

In a departure from the normal format, the debates will take place without a studio audience, but that's not the only change.

RuPaul, from hit TV show RuPaul's Drag Race, has signed on to moderate the event, while Duran Duran will perform, in another new addition to the format: the halftime show.

Janet Jackson reportedly wished Duran Duran a great performance, with some words of warning, “For the love of God, please secure your man boobs.”

The event will be pay-per-view, with additional revenue raised through advertising sponsorships.

So far, KFC has procured the rights to brand the podiums, while Boeing is in talks to sponsor the stage doors.

Questions remain about where the revenue from this event will go, but political fundraisers suggest the Republicans will use the money to fund research into advancements in adult diapers, while the Democrats might allocate a portion to fulfill Joe Biden's lifelong wish for a pet giraffe.

One of the concerns going into the latest presidential race is the age of the candidates, which, combined, is nearly the maximum score you can make on a single visit to a dartboard.

To test their longevity, a special guest moderator will make an appearance: a 300-year-old tortoise named Simon.

Simon is expected to press both candidates on their exercise routine, diet, and what games they play on their iPads.

Here’s to an engaging and informative debate, where neither candidate poops in their pants.

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Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend, and I’ll catch you on Monday.

Deep