Leaky Google: What They Hoped You'd Never Find Out

Happy Sunday, Arsewipe.

This week’s newsletter includes an investigation into a Google leak, advice for a couple in love, and a caption competition!

Let's get on with it.

Number of the Week

78 — the number of times Gordon Ramsay contracted pink eye this year alone.

He won’t stop touching his eyes with dirty hands, will he? Filthy git.

Google

A story broke last week about an accidental leak involving Google's search algorithm.

And the news sent marketing geeks into overdrive

Finally, the world's foremost nerds could finally learn how exactly the search engine worked when you Googled, "home remedies for erectile malnourishment," for example.

But no one was prepared for what they found. 

Most experts anticipated a complex set of code based on site quality, relevance, and authority signals, but instead, what Google had actually done was delegate the entire system to none other than pop music impresario, Simon Cowell.

Yes, that Simon Cowell. The plastic-faced pleb off of America's Got Talent.

In an exclusive, this newsletter can now reveal how Simon Cowell helped make Google the number 1 search engine on the planet.

Every Thursday afternoon, Cowell would review the latest websites on his iPad, from an undisclosed black ops site in Laos, run by Pol Pot's brother-in-law, Nigel

If you thought a one-man review process like this would be impossible due to the sheer volume of content published online, you would be wrong.

The truth was the entire job amounted to browsing no more than a couple dozen pages built on Geocities, MySpace, and a couple of blogs made on the shittiest, dumb-fuck, backward-arsed, web hosting platform of all: Squarespace.

Fuck Squarespace.

For some business owners, Google's leaked source code was long-awaited validation after years of complaints about suspicious search results, which often omitted the most useful sites for bios of up-and-coming pop stars.

"Any time mi search fi mi brand name, mi always get Clay Aiken,” claimed Shabba Riesling, owner of Jamaican Clay Pots, a Jamaican clay pot manufacturer.

"Mi neva know who Clay Aiken was, but now mi know seh him link wid dat bumboclaat Cowell, mi a guh complain pan mi Facebook ceramics group.”

Lingerie designer, Carol Snatch, of Carols's Underwear, concurred.

"Google always showed me pictures of Carrie Underwood whenever I searched for my company's underwear."

Simon Cowell has since quit Google's clandestine operation and issued a statement through his lawyer, Paula Abdul:

"Some of these sites are absolutely dreadful, and I'm being kind when I say this, but they will never, ever, ever—make it as a pop star."

Ask Man Like Deep

Dear Man Like Deep,

I’ve been with my significant other for almost ten years now. He's kind, loyal, and always carried me when times were tough.

We plan on tying the knot but the problem is my family. They don't approve.

I wouldn't say they were prejudice but the thought of being with someone that doesn't look like them is a deal breaker.

I just wish they would open their minds a little and accept that love comes in all different shapes and sizes.

We’ve faced our share of challenges, yes, but nothing comes close to my family's disapproval.

They seem fixated on our differences and they can't seem to get past how different his background is from mine.

What advice can you give for helping my family see that the love we share is beautiful and rare, and not something to be judged by appearances?

Sincerely, Vanessa.

P.S.

I've included a picture of us together.

Dear Vanessa,

Thank you for writing in. And thank you for sending a picture too, but it looks like the one you sent doesn’t include your boyfriend.

I'm looking at you on an elephant!

Ha ha! I just had a funny thought.

Maybe your parents didn't like your boyfriend because he was an elephant. Ha ha ha!

But he isn't the elephant though, is he? Your boyfriend, I mean. There must be a real boyfriend in another picture, surely. You just attached the wrong picture, right?

Please tell me this elephant isn't your boyfriend.

Okay, I'm re-reading what you wrote, and I think you're planning to marry the elephant you're sat on in this picture aren't you.

No, Vanessa.

This isn't your soulmate, my dear. This is a fucking elephant.

Honestly, I'm with your parents on this one.

What are your kids gonna look like? Fucked is what they're going to look like.

There has to be a human boyfriend. There is no way you're boning this wrinkle factory.

If I was your Mum I'd disown you mate. Disown yourself! You flippin' mentalist.

You two belong in a circus.

Fuck off.

Best regards,

Deep

Caption Competition

Create a caption for the image of the week and win the respect of your peers.

The winner may add their achievement on LinkedIn if they wish.

Thank you for reading.

Have a good week, and if you absolutely must be racist, please do it sustainably.

Deep