Safe As Houses

Today's email contains news, numbers, and opinions that may cause you to rethink all of your life choices.

Today’s Number

13 — the average percentage read of the books you own on Kindle.

Housing

As housing affordability remains a challenge for prospective homeowners, an unlikely saviour has stepped forward: the world's largest food & beverage company, Nestlé.

The news has been met with confusion because of the industry Nestlé operates in, and skepticism, given the company’s reputation for being vile.

Nestlé’s past mistakes are well-documented, leading some to question the company's motives.

In some parts of the world, Nestlé has been dubbed "the baby killer" due to its aggressive promotion of baby formula, which has been linked to malnutrition in infants.

Industry insiders believe that Nestlé is attempting to leverage the housing crisis to improve its shit-stained image.

The plan, as outlined by CEO Mark Schneider, involves constructing gingerbread houses for first-time home buyers.

However, the idea has raised concerns among Realtors who are uncertain about the financial viability of selling gingerbread homes to the public.

"While we welcome ideas to help housing affordability, we do have concerns," said Tiffany Slaughterhouse, a vegan Realtor.

"The average cost of a gingerbread house kit around eggnog season seldom exceeds $25 dollars, and that’ll make it tough to realize the type of profit us Realtor types are used to."

Another critical aspect of Nestlé’s initiative is the scale of the proposed homes.

Unlike traditional housing, these gingerbread houses will be comparable in size to the models built by children in December.

When questioned about the practicality of families living in such small spaces, a Nestlé representative responded, "Given the price point, buyers will have to make certain concessions."

But critics argue that it’s unrealistic to expect people to shrink to the size of Lego figures in order to live in these buildings.

Nestlé has countered this by claiming they have successfully shrunk a number of wet Indonesians using paper towels and a tea cosy during laboratory tests, although these claims have been unverified.

Further complicating matters, there are concerns about residents snacking on their new homes.

Celebrity Nestlé spokesperson, and fashion designer, Donna Karan, suggested those concerned use Ozempic to curb any temptation to lick a nook, or chew a chimney.

Despite the skepticism, and with no other solutions on the horizon, Nestlé gingerbread homes might be the only viable alternative for those aspiring to get on the property ladder.

Sports

Netflix has struck a landmark deal with the NFL to broadcast live football games, marking the streaming company’s ambitions to end cable television for good.

As part of the three-year agreement, Netflix will air two NFL games on Christmas Day, starting this year, with plans to host at least one game at Christmas in both 2025 and 2026.

But fans worry that players won't play at the level they’re expected to due to the trauma of missing out on Christmas day with family and friends.

“That won't be a problem,” claimed NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, in an email.

“These dipshits couldn’t read a calendar even if their lives depended on it. We’ll tell ‘em it's still October LOL!”

One of the benefits of watching on Netflix is the ability to binge-watch: that is, the ability to view an entire season in a single sitting.

And it’s this feature of streaming that makes Netflix Founder, Reed Hastings, bullish.

“The hope is that NFL fans can conclude an entire season in a couple of days instead of fucking around waiting for episodes throughout the entire season like they do on cable.”

The NFL's two Christmas Day games due to be streamed on Netflix are between the 1928 champion’s The Portland Pina Coladas vs. The San Diego Shit-Stirrers, and The Austin Assholes vs. The Louisville Libel Lawsuits.

Image of The Day

Thanks for reading,

Deep