Today's email contains news, numbers, and opinions that should not be used in a game of Scrabble.

Today’s Number

39 — one of this weekends’ winning lotto numbers.

News

Health

A Michigan dairy worker has been diagnosed with bird flu.

Colleagues first noticed something was amiss when worker Perry Turdburglar began driving to work instead of using his preferred method of travel: flight.

“That worried me,” said his manager, Milky Wyatt. “Not the flu. The driving. Because he’s a flippin’ parrot.”

When asked for a comment, infected dairy worker Turdburglar simply replied, “Got milk?” from the confines of his hospital bed.

“‘Got milk?’ and ‘Worldstar’ are the extent of his vocabulary,” added Wyatt. “But the wings on this guy milked cows better than any human I’ve ever worked with.”

Turdburglar continues his recovery in hospital, while Milky Wyatt has been arrested for employing birds in a milkery.

Film

Kevin Costner's latest film, "Horizon," premiered at the Cannes Film Festival to what seemed like an ridiculously long standing ovation, but interestingly, the film was shit.

So why was the ovation so long?

According to organizers, hemorrhoids, is the reason behind these extended clapathons.

“No one actually likes these movies,” explained film critic Denver Colorado. “They just need some relief from those deck chairs they borrow from the promenade.”

Cannes deck chairs are notorious for being particularly hard on the anus, and have left many film stars desperate to relieve what insiders call ‘Hollywood Hemorrhoids.’

Meanwhile, hemorrhoid cream manufacturers are making a fortune.

Preparation H is set to sponsor next year’s event, in a win-win deal where they sell out of their arse cream and the standing ovations finally come to an end.

Advice

Man Like Deep, Professional Therapist

I recently read a letter on an advice column from the wife of a local celebrity chef who wrote in to complain about her jealousy towards her husband’s ‘foodie groupies.’

It’s behind a paywall which this link bypasses, but if you can't be bothered to click through, let me assure you that the advice she got was weak.

Apparently these groupies would do anything to bone this lady’s kitchen man, so I stopped reading and got to the important work of counseling this poor woman myself, on here.

Dear Cook’s Jealous Wife,

Your husband is a jammy bastard. We are agreed on that!

You are well within your rights to feel jealous. So lean into that vibe with the same passion that your husband has for ganache, or whatever.

I have some strategies you can employ with hate as your fuel, because as we all know, gazpacho is a dish best served cold.

The secret ingredient is patience, my dear. About 2 cups of patience.

Support your husband from the side-lines as he breaks through to the national stage, and wait for that Food Network money to come pouring in.

Now count that money. Measure that money exact, like you’re making a cake, because half of it is gonna be ours after we divorce that fool.

We’re in this together, you and me. Because you know full well you’d have never thought of this had it not been for me.

So don’t forget me, and remember: Honey Bunches of Oats is a dish best served cold.

Another strategy you can try is to out-group your husband's groupies.

Find a chef, let's say Guy Fieri, and send him down to your very own flavor town. Alternatively, you could try Gordon Ramsey: show him how you like it “fucking raw.” Or you could do the other one, Andrew Zimmern. Go bizarre in bed with Andrew Zimmern.

Spend about a year shagging your way through every cooking-competition-show panel guest as retribution.

It’ll take time, yes, but it’s worth it, because as you already know, tuna salad is a dish best served cold.

Image of The Day

This will be my last daily newsletter for a bit, but this won’t my the last email.

I’ll continue sending emails about once every week. I’m not exactly sure what day yet, but it will definitely be one of the days.

Thank you so much for reading, and I’ll write soon.

Deep