Tips and Sticks

Health and Fitness

According to kitchen insiders, queen of fashion, Anna Wintour banned garlic and chives from the menu at this years Met Gala.

This was to cater to punters high on the weight loss wonder drug Ozempic, of which there were many.

But one of reported side-effects of Ozempic are burps that smell like your most memorable rotten-egg-fart. Like the one that killed your cat. Or the one that caused your parents divorce.

But fortunately for celebrities in attendance, Instagram has yet to crack smell-o-vision technology of pictures from the red carpet, at least for now.

Business

The modern-day high street is a disaster zone, laid to waste by e-commerce giants like Amazon, eBay, and Dildos Direct.

And compared to online retailers, high street rents, staffing costs, and shoplifting point to a trend that's unlikely to change anytime soon.

But it looks as if POS (point of sale) companies haven’t received the memo.

Walk into any remaining high street business and you’ll encounter a tip screen that looks like an electronic bingo card: full of numbers.

But there are no prizes on offer. Instead weary shoppers are forced to choose a tip that begins with a percentage that, in the old days, would be awarded for the only highest level of service imaginable.

Think, a blow-job with your after-dinner mints, or compensation for accidentally spraying the deli toilet with your own poo.

You’d have tipped well, but these days that’s where tips begin.

‘Tip fatigue’ is a new term for people gas-lit by a rotating tablet screen while a server eye-balls their every finger-tap.

The public have had enough. Pitchforks have been ordered on Amazon Prime, and they're ready to direct them at those responsible.

And in an exclusive, this newsletter can reveal the identity of individual responsible for todays trend in tip screens.

Warren Buffet has described this person as the Picasso of POS.

Others have called them the Pele of POS, the Pavarotti of POS, the Princess Diana of POS, the Pete Davidson of POS, etc.

Basically, this person is a legend. Or a war criminal, depending on how much money you have.

The individual responsible for today’s trend in tipping culture is none other than veteran rapper Q-Tip.

Originally inspired by the world of personal care and cotton swabs, Q-Tip pivoted to emerging gratuity industry after a stint covering the night shift at his local bodega.

What he saw was a wasted opportunity: a jam-jar-sized tip container capable of only handling physical money.

“That thing could carry no more than about tree fiddy.” explained Q-Tip from his bachelor apartment on the 4th floor of the Burj Khalifa.

“You think I got here with loose change? No, I did not.”

Q-Tip explained that a knack for human nature and a second-hand copy of Freakonomics set him on a path to patenting the rights to hard-coding a modern-day tip screen to a 20% minimum.

“I should have gone further and patented the rest of the numbers, but nevertheless.”

“It’s something I am very proud of, but I’d never be able to return to the United States,” he said.

“Reddit wants my head on a stick, and not the type with a small cotton ball on the ends.”

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